Box Elder Bugs are Zombies from Outer Space

By Frankie Valinda Ghee

I am not by nature a hateful or even a homicidal person.  As a matter of fact, I can count on the fingers of one hand the things I dislike enough to qualify them as hated.  There are four of them, but don’t get me started on the other three. At this time of year, almost my entire ration of hatred gets used up on Box Elder bugs.

I detest with a whole body revulsion these skanky little monsters that show up each spring with the first hopeful rays of sunshine to ruin what should be a time of hope and revitalization.  These beasts which I grew up calling British soldier bugs in Great Falls, Montana where they were only a novelty around our house in summertime, I now call “Walkers” as in AMC’s “The Walking Dead.”  I kill them individually and in “herds.”  I smash the single walkers that catch my eye while I’m in the shower or on the toilet, and I hose down the giant mind altering swarms that gather on the front porch in August making it difficult to get into my apartment without feeling like I need a chemical bath.

Last year, I found them climbing glasses of freshly poured wine and walking meal tables like over indulgent dinner guests.  I sat outside with my computer in poetic bliss only to find these hideous, useless, nightmare beasts walking up my pants legs, flying at my head and breaking my concentration.  I wrote a song about it.  Would you like to hear it?

Box Elder Bugs are Zombies from Outer Space

To be sung loudly and in a screeching monotone

Box Elder bugs are zombies from outer space

They are totally filled with suck!

I mean completely and totally crammed

To the brim

With Suck!

Oh, if box elder bugs plan

They plan to take over the Earth

By first driving us crazy

And annoying us all to death

Oh, how I hate them

They are totally filled with suck!

Did you know that there is such a thing as a Box Elder tree?  Well, there is.  I Googled it.  The bugs apparently go with the trees of the same name.  Some people call Box Elder bugs “Maple bugs.”  I learned that today.  I also learned that my creative plan to kill the fiends by chucking big pots of boiling water at them as they sun bath on the side of the house (crawling over each other’s backs, fornicating and doing god knows what all-right in front of the impressionable neighborhood cats) is one of the best ways to deal with them.  First, you want to get rid of wood and leaves you have lying around in your yard.  These walkers love to hide under things like that.  My hoards like to hang out on the old wooden picnic table in the back yard.  Two years ago, I could actually sit at that table and enjoy the outside, but last year, I couldn’t go near the thing without being terrorized by zombies from outer space.

There were so many of them on the side of the house one day that I was almost afraid to make eye contact just in case I angered the ring leader and provoked an all-out attack.  I think the bug spray I was using actually made them stronger like the radioactive spiders in that old black and white movie.

Finally, I ended up wrapping a plastic leaf and lawn bag around the sweeping end of my broom and whacking the hell out of the huge clusters.  I was terrified the whole time.  Next, I hosed them, and boiled them and whacked some more.  In the end, the box elder bugs retained ownership of a much smaller parcel of real estate than they had originally claimed though they were never completely gone.  I’ve already killed at least ten this year, and it’s only March.  The “experts” say that box elder bugs are basically harmless, but I know better.

If we all work together, a few of us might maintain our sanity long enough to endure through the worst part of the invasion.  We’ll meet at the old house behind the railroad tracks and try to rebuild civilization.  Stay strong, and breathe through your nose.  You don’t want one of those sneaky bastards flying their red asses into your mouth.

Have a long life and plenty of stuff (Live long and prosper!)

Frankie Valinda Ghee

Links to the Experts:

http://boxelderbug.com  Says that soapy water will kill them.  I’m going to try this.

http://www.orkin.com/other/box-elder-bug  Shares information about their mating cycle and hibernation habits

http://www.pestworld.org/pest-guide/occasional-invaders/boxelder-bug/ Has a creepy ass photo and some basic information that looks credible.

note: I wrote this a couple of months ago.  In the mean-time, my measures have been helpful, but the infestation continues.  My neighbors seem to have it worse though, so there you go.

F

Hey All

Come on by, and please mention that you saw this post.  Bring a friend and enjoy a free concert from the conveniently located bench.

#Spokane #LiveMusic Today/Fri 2:00pm RiteAid on 29th Should be another grand afternoon

FVG

This is My Country by Frankie Ghee http://youtu.be/QcaaoxeG18M  http://wp.me/p4g8ZQ-8l 

This is my country And I am so grateful

To have lived in a time when I am safe and free

I am safe dream, and I am free to try

To change my world with hope and speak as I believe

Chorus:

And I am lucky I know to rest my feet on this soil

And take as owed to me my rights and my liberty

And I am lucky I know to plant my feet on this soil

And take as owed to me my rights and my liberty

Through proud and shameful history, This is what we have come to be

We have grown into this nation free of kings

Peace and great prosperity, famine, war and travesty

Have forged the tools that we might shape our destiny

chorus:

Bridge

(This is the bridge from the rock version of the song,  I haven’t used these with my acoustic set)

How many people had to die so that I could live this life?

If I they knew how I would, would they even try?

How many people sold their soul so I could spend this pot of gold?

Would they pay the price if they knew what I would buy?

This is my country, and I am so grateful

Hi All,

Hi All,

As the weather turns cooler, I’ll be aiming my musical outings for the warmest parts of the day.  Tomorrow, I’ll try for one of a favorite spots, outside the RiteAid near Jimmy John’s on 29th.  I’m thinking 1:30pm start time.

I had a wonderful afternoon there this Monday.  I played Tuesday night at Huckleberry’s and that was also a lot of fun.

Today, I played a short spontaneous set outside the Dollar Tree and Hastings on 29th.  People who stopped were really kind and gave me some good ideas, but by the time I was done my teeth were chattering and my hands were cold.

I’m on the look out for a nice restaurant or club that I can frequent for indoor performances this fall.  If you know of anything, contact me on this site or via twitter.

Frankie

If weather permits and the Universe allows, I will be singing away on Spokane’s picturesque South Hill. Huckleberry’s is the place for live music tomorrow (9-9-14)

Follow the signs to avoid the construction on Monroe

There is even a nice place to sit

FVG

This is a song wrote several years ago while teaching middle school. It’s from the perspective of the one who is labeled “loser.”

The Loser

Verse 1

You flash me those “I’m better than you eyes”

And then look happy when you think I might cry

But my size never came from making you small

So I’m not the loser after all

Verse 2

You say exactly what you know will cause pain

And then pretend that you had nothing to gain

But my strength never came from making you weak

So I guess I’m not the geek

chorus:

I’m not perfect to look at most times

And I’m

I’m not perfectly wise

But I don’t get my jollies or joy by stealing anybody’s pride

Verse 3

You give me that “you don’t fit in” glare

And then look smug because you know that I care

I never won my race by making you crawl

So I’m not the loser after all

I know it isn’t quite fall yet, but today was so cool and somehow Autumn like that it inspired me to share a favorite poem with you.

Autumn Leaves

by Frankie Valinda Ghee

My memories are leaves

Red and yellow, orange and brown

That lie upon the autumn ground

My grandeur and despair

I reminisce through these

Piled so deeply in my mind

Hide the truth and keep me blind

As I wander unaware

I fear a chilling breeze

That will blow the leaves away

And force my soul to stay

With the corpses buried there

I’ll likely start around 6:15pm and go until 8 or 8:30.  It’s a beautiful spot.  Follow the signs to get around the construction.

See you soon.

Today, I got a wild hair and headed to the Dollar Tree and Hastings on 29th just before 1pm.  I played for about two hours and the whole time I felt welcomed and safe.  Street Music provides an excellent opportunity to meet people and share philosophies and joy.  I am definitely a better person for having opened myself up to the voices of Spokane.

Thanks Spokane for your generosity and for being interesting.

If you would like to be notified the next time I take it to the streets, please send me your email contact information, and I will let you know.

I’ll probably play sometime tomorrow.

Stay tuned